Whether you love Valentine’s Day for the romance, the pink everything and the low quality chocolate, or you hate it because… single; there is one thing we secretly pine for on Valentine’s Day, but rarely talk about.

And ironically, although we’ve been trained by the evil marketing overlords at Hallmark and Lindt to shovel out dozens of dollars to make our loved ones happy, the one gift that you can get for your partner that will make them completely forget about the giant bouquet of flowers you just dropped the equivalent of rent on, is completely free.

Sex.

Not just any sex, Valentine’s Day sex. Really good, really long, really touchy-feely, sensory overload sort of sex.

And I’m talking to single people here too. Although couples get this as a built in feature of having a SO, it’s the perfect day for single people to revel in sensuality and romance without the longterm commitment. Most of the time we have to work REALLY hard to get someone on the same page about this sort of sex. But on Valentine’s Day the ooey-gooey sappy sex is somehow more natural and less awkward on.

So seize the freaking moment and find a date who shares the same sentiments that you have about the fake holiday.

You can bond over your love of cheesy rom-coms and spend the evening making out on your couch. Or, if you’re a true Valentine’s Day hater, I can’t imagine a stronger protest against the consumerist conspiracy than skipping dinner and flowers and having angry awesome sex with someone you probably don’t love (yet). Take that you VDay assholes!

And of course, for couples, this should take the guess work out of finding the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your partner. I’m not suggesting you skip the gifts and preparation completely, because there is no way you will get your partner in bed if it seems like you bailed on the holiday completely. Just refocus your efforts on a small thoughtful gift and flirtatious hints that build anticipation leading up to a romantic evening together. Intimacy and love are so much better than a stuffed animal you’ll be forced to throw away (or recycle? can you recycle teddy bears?).

And I’m not just making this up. There’s research to back me up, as well as this thing called COMMON FREAKING SENSE.

In a new survey led by sex and relationship researcher Kristen Mark, nearly 85 percent of men and women reported that sex is an important part of Valentine’s Day, and 50 percent said that they’ll be disappointed if they don’t get lucky on the 14th.

In a separate study done by the sexiest people in the world (Canadians), researchers asked “If you could only get one of four things for Valentine’s Day — sex, dinner, lingerie or flowers — what would you choose.” Not surprisingly, 61% said they would prefer to have sex over receiving any other gift. If you’re single and getting a little excited for VDay, maybe a trip to Quebec City would be worth it.

And honestly, common sense would suggest sex drives all of the other ridiculous things we do on Feb 14th. Why do you think men are willing to throw down hundreds of dollars on ridiculous gifts for women, taking them out for 5 course prix fix meals at packed restaurants and writing poetry? And why do you think women are slipping into teeny-tiny red dresses, getting Valentine’s Day brazilian waxes and lowering their standards?

We’re all just trying to get a piece. 

But PLEASE, before you close your laptop and think “welp, all I’ve got to do is bang my girlfriend and she’ll be happy…” there is a lot more to it. There is a right way to do Valentine’s Day sex, and a VERY wrong way.

Get a grip on expectations

Another piece of research that shocked and horrified me, was that a huge percentage of women expect to be surprised on Valentine’s Day. Oh girl… how many times has that worked out for you? We wonder why Valentine’s Day is often a disappointment, but as women we shy away from telling our SO’s what we want in the hopes that they will guess correctly and prove their love. (WTF?) Even worst, we rarely even have an idea of what we want. We say that we don’t need gifts or flowers and the whole day is kind of over-hyped, and then we’re legitimately sad when we don’t get flowers or a handwritten poem delivered by singing telegram. How the hell should men know what to do?

When it comes to putting your expectations out there to the world, what goes for Valentine’s Day goes for the other 364 days of the year. Tell your partner what you want and you might actually get it. If you want a romantic night in with sweet passionate love making to the sounds of R Kelly, ask for it. If you want to go to a nice restaurant and have a freaky 5 minutes in the ladies room, ask for THAT. If you want to give your man the gift of a threesome, you may need some prep time, so start asking now!

But even with non-sex Valentine’s Day expectations, mention a few things you would like to do on Valentine’s Day and a few things that would make you happy. Especially if you’re in a new relationship or dating a few people, make it very clear what you want. And then know that if you say you don’t want a gift, you aren’t going to get a gift! If you are single and want to do something fun on Valentine’s Day, make your own badass plans and create room for a +1 or +3. Plan a trip to the movies and send an email inviting a group of friends. Or ask fellow Tinder-ers what they are doing a few days before the holiday ” Hey, I hate Valentine’s Day and want to go play video games instead… want to join me?” don’t be bummed if they say no. Keep asking until someone says yes.

Uncreepy Gifts

I bet when I said “sex is the best gift” you immediately thought ball gags and sex toys. This is a great gift if your SO is into that sort of thing. But if they aren’t (yet) then you will look like a sex-crazed creepo and Valentine’s Day will be ruined forever. Instead, give them a little head’s up that your VDay is about to get sexy. The best thing it to bring it up in conversation and getting a feel for your partners perspective. Let them know that you think Valentine’s Day is great, but for you it’s about celebrating a great connection with someone and the intimacy and sensuality in the middle of frigid cold winters. Then let the conversation lead down the road of what that looks like for the 2 of you. If this naturally leads to ball gags and sex toys, go you! (and what are you doing later?)

If the in-person conversation is scary then ease into it. You can even write your person a text/email a few days before the 14th and say “I want to try something new and sexy on Valentine’s Day – any ideas?” or “I’m buying you something super sexy and silly for Valentine’s Day – are you a candles and rose petals type or leather and handcuffs? Gauge your partner and see what they say. Then go to Nomia’s and find something they’ll loooooove.

Embrace the cheesy

Every day is pretty sexy for me. So this year I am taking full advantage of the cheesiness of Valentine’s Day. I’m planning a epic self-love date for myself (and have invited a lovely man to join me, if he wants) it starts with a supercharged D’Angelo playlist that I plan to start and end my evening with. I bought myself an amazing piece of lingerie from Aristelle that I will be wearing under my yoga pants and bean boots to SPACE Gallery for Literary Death Match. Then I’m going home to a house full of candles and fur blankets and turning up the heat a few notches and dance partying with whoever wants to join me.

What is cheesy awesome for you? Maybe it’s rose petals and massage oils and laying a bed of blankets on the floor in front of a fireplace app on your computer. For some people it will be buying and sharing a new sex toy or maybe it’s making love in an epic sheet fort you built together. Actually that sounds awesome.

If Valentine’s Day sex needs to get a little cheesy to make it special, go for it. Go candles and lush blankets and Michael McDonald. Acknowledge it’s ridiculousness and live it up.

 

The sex, oh the sex!

I’m going to lay it out there. This is the one day where foreplay should take so long that you are both begging each other to just get it on already! But don’t, take your time, and take breaks and come back to each other. Kiss like you did when you first met, or if you’re meeting for the first time, KISS! Use the 80/20 rule on oral sex. (That would be 80% oral sex, dummy) This is not a day for lazy sex. Bring your A game. If you’re new partners, don’t feel pressure to go farther than you feel comfortable just because I’m babbling about sex. Makeouts and dry humping are a nice throw back to the Valentine’s Day of our youth.

Just enjoy whatever you do and don’t take it too seriously, with enough early 90’s R&B this shouldn’t be a problem.