There is nothing more empowering for a woman than getting mind-fucked. Not in the manipulative, (P. Diddy in Get Him to The Greek) sort of way. But literally: thinking your way to a mind-blowing orgasm.

The female orgasm is a thing of mystery and for years scientists have been studying how the orgasm works. But finally they stopped looking at how touch and physical stimulation affects your brain, but how what is going on in your brain affects how your body reacts. And they discovered something that most women have known for a long time.

You can make yourself orgasm by thinking happy thoughts.

“The scans show that, during sex, the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion start to relax more and more, reaching a peak at orgasm, when the female brain’s anxiety and emotion are effectively closed down to produce an almost trance-like state.”

Lady Gaga was the one to shock the world when she told an interviewer that she can think herself to orgasm ‘whenever I feel like it’. And then thousands of women chimed in with a collective “duh.”

The research that recently “uncovered” this phenomenon was conducted by Dr Barry Komisaruk, co-author of the book The Science of Orgasm. He could see that the same parts of the brain that light up during sex can be turned on or off with a little effort—and no physical help. “The pleasure centers of the brain associated with orgasm light up in women who think themselves to orgasm in exactly the same way as in women who orgasm through more conventional means,” explains Komisaruk. He reports that most of his patients “thought” themselves to orgasm using a combination of techniques. Some simply used breathing exercises and erotic fantasies, while some woman used pelvic floor exercises. (does that count as cheating?)

And many more women report experiencing mind orgasms during a particularly good dream, though they may not be able to replicate the results while conscious. What a concept that wet dreams aren’t exclusive to men. It’s like we all function as human beings. Weird.

Here’s where I think the research and real life meet.

This is a huge chance for us as woman to remind the world that most of what happens for us sexually, starts with our minds and our emotions. We can’t (and shouldn’t) tease apart our physical feelings from our mental/emotional feelings.

It makes sense that 40% of woman say they CAN’T orgasm. Perhaps it’s because we are still completely relying on physical stimulation to get us off. Maybe we should consider removing the fear, insecurity and pre-occupation from our minds before getting frisky. Maybe we should consider developing a better relationship with ourselves as an important part of foreplay.

It’s empowering to think that if orgasm is 90% mental and 10% physical we as individuals have control over our own orgasms. We can stop with the insanity of “a little to the left, no to the right, a little faster…” Because that’s bullshit. Our orgasms are our responsibility, no need for a partner or a room of expensive toys (although those are both super fun) And what’s even more exciting; we can take our sexuality as far as we want to go without being limited by time/place.

This is wildly empowering. 

But with great power comes great responsibility.

We can no longer blame lazy boyfriends and non-intimate hookups for the lack of orgasms during sex. This sort of sexual power means we need to  practice orgasms.

And mindsex isn’t for everyone. Most of you won’t suddenly be able to orgasm whenever, whenever.  Obviously it is a complicated issue and this is simple something to consider. A gentle nudge towards exploration.

Just acknowledge that what’s going through your mind, effects what’s happening in your body. If you’re having a tough time, try concentrating purely on the physical pleasure and removing yourself from all the complications of a relationship. That might be the way YOU find your place of sexual ecstasy. I’m just saying, it’s worth a shot.



His research showed every woman had a completely different scenario, fantasy or technique for encouraging orgasm. And figuring out what your fantasy is – that is your homework.