This past Sunday was a huge night for TV. And yes, the Grammy’s were also on. But gazillions of women across America flipped on their boobtubes to watch the big wedding of last season’s Bachelor winners, Sean and Catherine.
I DVR’ed it because I had a date with a man I met in real life. Imagine that.
But even from watching the previews and seeing their faces pop up on blogs and magazine covers for the last few weeks I am convinced of one thing:
Claiming “No sex until marriage” doesn’t make you more pure. It makes you completely sex-obsessed and nausea-inducing.
Every argument that I’ve heard in defense of their choice to stay celibate until their wedding night has convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt, that sex before marriage is not only important, but should be mandatory and enforced.
Growing up in an extremely religious home, I know the arguments for “waiting” like the back of my hand.
Here are the most popular arguments for celibacy until marriage and my unsolicited opinion on why they are fucking stupid.
Sex ruins your chances of knowing real love
Some people believe that when you are getting to know each other and you decide to have sex, it cuts off your ability to really get to know that person. They think once you’ve had sex, your relationship is focused around sex completely. But in reality, I have only seen the complete opposite. I know couples who have waited, and leading up to their wedding – it’s literally all they talk about. (cue any scene from this Bachelor wedding). And it’s gross. If sex is a part of your relationship from the beginning, it is a tool for getting to know each other more intimately, not a distraction. Real love can only be found when your body, mind and spirit are on the same page. And getting to know a person’s body and being that intimate on a regular basis, will tell you more about their true personality and soul than you could ever learn from conversation.
What keeps you from having real love is self-doubt, fear and confusion, which are perpetuated when you’re suppressing your sensuality.
If you are worried about knowing real love, start having sex immediately.
It’s easy to confuse sexual attention for love
That is completely true, and I know a lot of women who go through their twenties learning to make this distinction. We open ourselves up to people that don’t deserve it and it causes mega heart break. I’ve been there. Young men get blamed for pressuring women into sex too early, and it’s not celibacy that we should look to for answers, but a stronger sense of our femininity and what we need and deserve as women. The best way to learn the difference between sexual attention and love, is to practice making that distinction. You are going to make mistakes, but that’s part of living and growing, and gaining sexual and emotional intelligence.
If you want to find love and not just sexual attention, go find someone to bang right now.
You can’t give someone 100% of yourself if you’ve given yourself to many others
Love is not something that comes in a single predetermined serving size which you’re forced to ration off. You can’t run out of love. Love begets love. (wait… isn’t that from the BIBLE?!) The more you love people, the more capacity you have for loving someone who is a great match for you. All of your partners that came before your husband have helped you to become the person that you are today. They gave you tips and tricks and hard-earned lessons. You should collapse in bed after a mind-blowing roll in the hay and thank all of your partners’ past-lovers for the things they taught them.
If you want to give 100% to your life partner, have more awesome sex.
You’re giving up your most precious gift for a few minutes of pleasure
A few moments of pleasure? Have you ever even had sex?? It’s days of pleasure, calm and satisfaction. It’s month of connectivity to a partner, it builds friendships and life long partnerships. Sex doesn’t last a few minutes, it gives you a stronger sense of your true self. FOREVER.
Also, virginity is not some highly valued gift. This inflated concept of virginity as a possession is the most dangerous scare tactic for young people. Being forced to deny strong feelings that connect them to their inner self and each other can cause significant damage to their relationships and ruin sex as an adult.
If you want to tap into your most precious gift which is your self-value, self respect and self love, start having great sex immediately.
You’ll get pregnant and get STD’s
Yes, having lots of random unprotected sex will likely lead to pregnancy or STD’s. But scaring the shit out of young people to the point that they feel embarrassed to buy condoms or ask questions about how to have safe sex IS WORST. Be open and loving with young people and they will be more likely to have safer sex and more respect for their partners.
(sorry about all the caps lock – I’m getting angry)
Just for the record – here are a bunch of other reasons “waiting till you’re married” is the worst idea ever:
MY #1 REASON: Sexual Compatibility is the core of a great marriage
I know you may not agree, but I believe having a partner that you are sexually compatible with is one of the pillars of a good relationship. Along with similar core values and perspectives on family, this is a big one. You can’t fake sexual compatibility and you shouldn’t wait until after you’ve signed the dotted line to “hope” that you’re a great match in the bedroom. That’s complete insanity.
It makes you settle for someone based on a completely irrelevant fact
Finding someone who also wants to be celibate until you’re married rules out 99% of young people. Those people might be amazing lifelong partners. God knows, they might even be “the one.” (just kidding – that’s a hilarious lie)
You can’t know what you want without sexual exploration
I actually wouldn’t be opposed to celibacy until marriage if we were encouraging young people to masturbate more. Yes, tons more. Having a strong sexual identity and knowing what you want is so important to becoming an intelligent human being. But, we usually figure out who we are as sexual beings by getting it on with other people. So go do that.
The logistics of the thing
Some pieces of information are crucial to know before tying the knot; logistical things that will affect you for the rest of your life; like size, shape, whether or not they have sexual problems like premature ejaculation and inability to get an erection. Hell, you might be allergic to his semen (yes that’s a thing). Could you imagine your wedding night being a total disappointment, and then also every night after that. Yikes. My worst nightmare.
That literally makes me want to go have sex as much as possible right now.