Oh em gee. Did you see that Billy is still on OkCupid even though he and Penelope have been dating for, like, 3 months. Scandalous!

Beneath the surface of online dating is this strange passive aggressive code that has nothing to do with what’s on our profiles, but simply whether or not we have them.

It’s a subtle language and a subtle game. Some women play this game with such delicate subtlety that, in fact, most guys never know that a game is being played.

The opening and closing of online dating accounts and things like “recent activity” and “status” are pieces of info that are public and often used to feed into our over-analytical and fantastical mind games.

FULL DISCLOSURE – I’m not judging, I’m writing this because I caught myself playing into the code. I would love to blame “being a shitty millennial under the thumb of technology” but in reality, the reason I sometimes look to this information, is because I still feel waves of insecurity. And sometimes passive aggression SEEMS easier than asking the tough questions. MY story is part of #3.


1. “I’m so over you. I’m even dating again. Well, not really dating, but I’m on OkCupid…”

WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN: You can’t have me anymore. Unless that’s what you want. Is that what you’re thinking? Fine, you can have me… PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!!

MY UNSOLICITED ADVICE: Chill out. I actually think you’re doing the right thing. Wrestling with mixed emotions after a breakup is difficult and complicated. Sometimes the first steps towards a new relationship are teeny tiny steps, like opening an OkCupid profile.  Then adding a picture.

At least you’re not at home alone crying into a bowl of Cheetos (anymore). Don’t shove your new dating efforts in your exes face, but get back out there. Start small, chat a little. When the time is right try going out on a date. It’s a big world and OkCupid is a great tool for finding a guy(s) to help you get over your ex. Yes, that’s part of the process.


2. “Your OkCupid Profile is still active. Are you cheating on me??”

WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN:  You’re cheating on me and I have trust issues.

MY UNSOLICITED ADVICE: Chill out. Most likely he never deactivated his account because… well, he just didn’t. Who cares. Would you trust your boyfriend hanging out in a coffee shop? I bet there are single girls there. It’s not too different from an online dating site. If you trust him, you trust him. If not, maybe you should address that issue directly.


3. “If we’re really going to get serious, maybe I should close my OkCupid account.”

WHAT I REALLY MEAN: I’m fishing for you to tell me that you want me to close my account. That you’re supposed to sweep me off my feet and tell me you are working on fixing global warming. (hey, this sounds like ME)

MY UNSOLICITED ADVICE (to myself): Chill the fuck out. If your relationship is going to get serious, it has no correlation to you having, or not having, an active OkCupid profile. You’re fine and he’s great. Give it a minute to set in, you impatient bastard!


4. “I’m not desperate enough to EVER be on OkCupid”

WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN:  I’m insecure about what people think of me. I have a reputation that would be shattered if anyone I work with/am friends with / will ever meet ever, saw that I was interested in a longterm committed relationship and was willing to put myself out there in a technologically intelligent way.

MY UNSOLICITED ADVICE: Do people know you’re single? Then it probably won’t be an monumental blow to find out you are also interested in dating other people. This isn’t an escort service (unless you’re looking for that), and there is no shame in putting yourself out there. There are dozens of things we do every day (usually while drunk) to ruin our reputations. Online dating isn’t one of them.


5. “I was secretly trolling OkCupid last week and saw my old girlfriend. How pathetic!”

WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN: You’re an asshole.

MY UNSOLICITED ADVICE: Stop being an asshole.