There has been tons of talk about female orgasms vs male orgasms (in my world) over the last few years. After arguing ourselves in circles,  we’ve come to a definitive conclusion: It is unconstitutional and just fucking rude to have sex with a woman and not make her cum. If you are planning on having an orgasm – stop, until you can make that lady explode with orgasmic pleasure, don’t even bother.

I agree with the basic premise of this. And I’ve been lucky enough to find men who are dedicated to the philosophy (bless you boys!)

The rise of a casual-sex culture have made women’s orgasms less of a priority, and men are getting away with selfishly humping and dumping, leaving woman un-orgasmed. (if that’s word) I would say 95% of the time, the lady should come first. But there are occasions where this is simply not possible. And we need to let some of this go fear.

I just think the pendulum has swung a little too far, beyond what is realistic for relationships: casual or longterm. I think we are extending this “She Comes First” philosophy just slightly further than we need to.

I noticed recently that we use 3 words interchangeably or at least we consider them undeniably linked. ORGASM :: PLEASURE :: SATISFACTION. Wait: those 3 completely different words mean 3 completely different things. I even understand the interchangability of “How to please a woman in bed.” and “How to satisfy a woman in bed.” but to equate those with “How to make a woman orgasm” seems extreme.

Does that mean that the 40% of women who can’t orgasm are unsatisfied or displeased? Not at all! 

Even for women who can orgasm (easily): we can’t every single time. That doesn’t mean we’re left dissatisfied.

I’ve had incredibly satisfying, deeply connected sex and didn’t happen to orgasm. Sometimes we just… don’t. No need for guilt or excuses. I didn’t have a headache and you pushed all the right buttons in the right order, but it just doesn’t always happen. That’s why the human body and sexuality are so fucking interesting to me.

I want to ease some of the pressure off of men and women when it comes to making your partner orgasm:

1. There’s nothing wrong with you

Dozens of studies say female orgasm is a thing of mystery. I will write thousands of posts about this mystery. But if you are in need of a quick fix I will tell you this: STRESS is a major (if not the biggest) reason women can’t orgasm. So give yourself a break and stop counting the number of times you can and cannot orgasm. Don’t judge your sexual relationship on the result and enjoy yourself, whether or not you orgasm. More on this later…

2. Hey dudes – there’s nothing wrong with YOU

If a woman isn’t orgasming, it’s not directly a result of your sexual prowess. Honestly, it might be. Ask her gently and romantically with a bit of humor what turns her on. Don’t ask her what you need to do to have her orgasm; ask her what you need to do to make her feel amazing. If you are getting to know each other, tell her how hot it would be to watch her masturbate. Learn from the best – HER. Unlike men, women have a thousand different ways to masturbate and knowing her little secrets can give you the keys to that pleasure. Don’t push though, and don’t do it because you’re desperate to make her cum. Do it because it’s enjoyable.

But like I said up in paragraph #1 – stress is the biggest turn-off. If she feels like you are “working” and not enjoying yourself, she likely will only get more stressed out. womp womp.

3. Try something different

So you’ve been together for years and you’ve never had a problem getting to that place. Guess what? Women change. Sometimes things change over time, sometimes over night. Get back to the drawing board and see what works for you in this chapter of your sexual life. Maybe it’s vaginal sex, or more clitoral, play with anal or nipple stimulation. You are a science experiment! Go explore.

4. Pleasure is not orgasm

Pleasure can be amazing. If you are having trouble orgasming, stop hyperfocusing on the end result and focus on the body-writhing journey. It feels good to be kissed, licked and touched. Just enjoy that for what it is. Sometimes in waiting for an orgasm and wondering when it’s going to happen we stop the process of getting into it, relax into your body and let the sensations feel good, even if they don’t get you to a place of orgasm.