couple in bed | orgasmless sex | Red Lipstick Project | Mindblowing Sex Blog

What do you want from sex?

No seriously, take a second and actually think about it. Do you want to feel good? Do you want to let go of the stress from your day? Do you want to reconnect with partner? Do you want to resolve some tension with your partner without having to talk about it? Do you want to sleep better? Do you want to feel empowered as a sensual man or lady?

Of all the fantastic reasons to have sex, we often act as if there’s only one. To orgasm as awesomely as possible.

We’ve been trained to think that sex always ends in orgasm. We are attached to the idea that good sex means epic orgasms and bad sex means we failed to make our partner orgasm. There’s a lot pressure put on us (usually pressure we put on ourselves) to make sure orgasms are reached. That’s simply not realistic. We’re trying to control something that is unpredictable and mercurial by definition.

Orgasms are a fucking mystery – that’s what makes them so amazing. They are this explosive moment where your body and your soul get to connect directly without your brain getting in the way.  Why are we trying to force logic and reality on something that is designed to take us out of reality. Orgasms re-calibrate our imagination and allow our creativity to move beyond what’s logical.

Orgasm driven sex is what separates people who are “good in bed” from people who are sexually intelligent.

People who are good in bed know how to get their partner to orgasm. Sexually intelligent people see far beyond that and detach their expectations from orgasm and focus more on what their real goal for sex is. They can answer this question: what is the purpose of us having sex?

Let me give you an example:

I recently talked to a really great guy who said “I hold out until she orgasms at least 3 times”. Which is awesome in theory. I love and appreciate men who put their partner’s pleasure first. Buuuuut… this idealistic view of orgasm-driven sex isn’t totally realistic, and is actually kind of selfish. The truth is, 3 orgasms every day simply isn’t going to happen. As a woman, I don’t want to feel bad when I only orgasm once or twice – or not at all. Not orgasming doesn’t mean the sex was bad, sometimes it means it was slow and dreamy and fun. That doesn’t make it better or worse, it’s just different. And different is a really really good thing.

Women can have even higher expectations than men. They see their partner’s failure to orgasm as a personal offense. They associate their self-worth and value in a relationship with being able to “perform” for their partner. This is a dangerous association that can drive women nutso and create distance in relationships that men can’t explain.

Being hyper-focused on techniques and contortionist style sex positions doesn’t get you any closer to having great sex. It’s more likely to make you overthink think sex and take everything personally. Something as small as a break in the action or a slow moment can make you start a damaging internal dialogue: “what should I do next,” “are they getting bored?”

You lose touch with your body and your partner can feel it! They can tell that you aren’t present and enjoying the moment. And they usually take it personally. which starts a super unhealthy cycle. They start to think “maybe I’m not attractive enough to keep his attention.” “maybe she’s thinking about someone else”

When both partners are stuck in this overthinking and overanalyzing mind space – it’s impossible to create that freedom and fun and release that we need from sex. Instead, the mood gets anxious or deflated and you revert back to going through the motions of boring monotonous sex.

 

So how do you counteract this cycle of overthinking and get back to a place where sex is fun and adventurous and relaxing?

Practice non-attachment. As a couple or on your own. practice sex that doesn’t have to end in orgasm.

Maybe you orgasm. Maybe you don’t. That’s not the point.

The goal is not getting to orgasm faster. It’s about having a fun and intimate experience.

If you want to feel more connected, you don’t necessarily need to orgasm. Maybe it’s about exploring your partner’s body with a great massage. Maybe you had a really tough day and you just want your partner to give you lazy sex to slow down your body. It might end in orgasm, but maybe not.

 

So how do you put non-attachment sex into practice?

Show up for your partner

When talking to my clients, both men and women about sex, I came across one universal thing that everyone wants from great sex. They want someone’s undivided attention. People don’t care how it happens and in what position, they just crave someone who will hold space for them. Someone who looks them in the eye without distraction or judgment.

If you think about what makes a great friend, the same standards apply in the bedroom. Consider what your friends need most from you. They want you to listen when they have exciting news, or something bothering them. They don’t need you to fix it – they just need you to listen to them, and give them your undivided attention.

That’s what most people want from sex. Someone who shows up. That takes all the pressure off of performance.

As Woody says, ‘Showing up is 80 percent of life.

I would say 90% of sex is just in being present – showing up emotionally and staying in the moment. That’s the biggest turn on.

 

Stay in the moment

If showing up seems a little oversimplified, it’s because it is. Showing up is easy. Staying in the moment is far more difficult. There are so many shiny things to distract us: our to-do list, our preoccupation with our own insecurities, the dirty laundry at the foot of our bed that we should have started a week ago. Worrying about how and when we are going to orgasm is the worst distraction.

In order to practice non-attachment in the bedroom you have to work on bringing yourself back to the moment.  over and over again.

When we get caught up in focusing on the orgasm or outcome, we limit our ability to experience joy and freedom and release in that moment.  You can’t fully show up for your partner, or show up for yourself when you are concentrating on the how, when and what to do of sex.

 

Be more curious

The best skill in the bedroom is not some crazy twisted upside-down sex move, but the ability to ask awesome questions. There’s nothing sexier than a person who is curious and interested in how you can make sex more adventurous and intimate. It takes courage and the the ability to admit that you haven’t tried everything or mastered every sex move. This shouldn’t make you insecure or embarrassed. It makes you normal.

Ask questions that starts with what if… or i wonder what it would feel like…

Open the doors of creativity in sex without the pressure of being “good in bed”. When you feel anxiety about whether or not you are doing something right, you can flip the insecurity on it’s head – and make it curiosity.

For example – if you are going downtown on your partner and they aren’t responding “enthusiastically” instead of running your mind with all of the insecurities about being a terrible oral sex pleasurer – ask “what if I tried the same thing, but slower” or “what if I tried doing this while I held their hands against the bed.”

Start asking better questions and see what happens.

The best sex partners are open to having new experiences and letting go of the things that don’t work.

 

Let go of your need to know

“What are you thinking?” “What are you feeling” is that good for you?” Being attached to your partner’s experience can distract you from having your own experience. You don’t need to know the details of what and how they are experiencing sex. Most people describe their biggest turn on as seeing their partner turned on. So let your partner see you enjoying the moment!

By not taking responsibility for your own sexual enjoyment you are robbing your partner of enjoying seeing your pleasure. Balancing receiving and giving pleasure is easier when you aren’t quizzing them on how they feel or what works and what doesn’t. Your partner might orgasm, they might not. Either way, it’s not a reflection of your performance. So stop asking. Tune in to the subtlety of their body and breathe, and you’ll KNOW.

 

Have more uncertain sex

When we are non-attached to the orgasmic outcome of sex we are more open to having sex more often. I learned something insanely valuable from a woman with a lower libido. She likes sex. More than that, she likes touch and physical connection. But she gets nervous about not being able to perform, and that anxiety often keeps her from initiating sexual situations unless she feels certain she will orgasm. This certainty is rare, so her relationship was suffering. Her partner wanted more sex – and she couldn’t promise him she would perform. So they tried introducing orgasm-less sex. They lowered expectations and just tried to connect. Some people would call this high performance cuddling.

The irony of the situation was this – when she went into the bedroom without the high expectation of needing to perform or have an epic orgasm and she knew her partner was on the same page, she actually started to orgasm more often. Removing the unrealistic expectation and being more curious took her out of her head and let her feel relaxed in her body. About halfway through a love-sesh she would get turned on and unexpectedly orgasm.

Non-attachment is the great irony of sex.

When you are non-attached to “needing to orgasm” you are more likely to orgasm.

Orgasms are a natural bi-product of being in the moment, being open to experiencing your partner and showing up, and being curious without expectation.

 

So start practicing non-attachment in the bedroom. If that’s difficult to understand – instill a rule for a night. No orgasms. Set a new goal – connection, or relaxation or

 

Instead of asking your partner how do you want to orgasm – ask them how do you want to feel? no orgasm necessary.

 

Try this in your relationship or with a new partner. If you think you can’t have this same experience outside of a serious committed relationship – go back and read the article The Intimate One Night Stand.

 

and I’d love to hear about your experience trying this – go have a fun romp and leave your comments below or on the blog.

 

Thanks for listening and we’ll see you next time on Red Lipstick Project Podcast.

 

Don’t forget to get on the email list for our upcoming Workshop Series: How to Have Soul Shaking Sex – a course on how to have better sex and be a better partner.