The problem with social commentary on sexuality is that we often try to use logic to draw lines between our experiences in the bedroom and our experiences in our day-today lives.
We build expectations around a person based on the way they order coffee, how they act at work and what movies they Netflix. But there is rarely a logical connection between everyday personality and sexual charisma.
We think that alpha men are obviously more dominant and powerful in the bedroom and nice guys who are soft spoken and more thoughtful must be romantic and boring in the bedroom. We see this constantly perpetuated by TV and movie characters.
But it is not our personalities that rule in the bedroom. When sexually intelligent people find themselves in a relationship where they can let their erotic nature and subconscious rise to the surface – the id finds itself coming up for air and for a much needed recalibration. Those logical observations of sexuality and personality are thrown out the window.
If anything, the complete opposite of what you would assume is actually true.
For years I was attracted to large, strong handsome men. The bad boys, the asshole lumberjack, the dismissive rock stars. I knew my submissive itches would need a true alpha man to scratch. But few (if any) of those bad boys or strong manly-men ever actually performed in the bedroom.
When I accidentally started dating nice guys, I got the biggest holy-shit-aha-moment of my life.
The things that make a good man less aggressive and less power-hungry in their careers or social lives, make them the most amazing Doms in the bedroom.
Nice guys put the needs of others before his own, they are tuned in to non-verbal communication, they try to avoid trouble, and lead with compassion.
Those are exactly the qualities you need for a good dominant man in the bedroom.
The idea of being in a dominant/submissive sexual relationship doesn’t necessarily mean whips and chains and red rooms. A dom/sub relationship simply means one person likes to take control of a situation and the other person agrees to let that person be in control. This is necessary for any sexual relationship or you’d constantly be bickering over who’s going to be on top. Most couples already do this dom/sub negotiation, and take turns being in control and being actively submissive.
And actively submissive is the key to a dom/sub relationship.
For example, think about missionary position sex. This can be intensely gratifying if both people are active. Not so much if one person just lays there. While it may seem like the top is in control, they aren’t. The bottom is the one who controls the rhythm, the depth, the intensity.
And that simple fact is the reason Nice Guys are so much better at being Doms. They know that by taking control of the sexual decision-making process they actually create space for an amazing sexual experience. They decide where to go, what position to be in and what to wear. They free up the sub to connect with the nuance of sex. When someone else is making the decisions, you can focus on how your body responds, how you allow yourself to open up emotionally, and how your orgasm travels through your body.
The sub is the one who is really in control. And nice guys are willing to take on the responsibility of the sexual relationship because they want their partner to feel and experience as much pleasure as possible.
Alpha men, and bad boys might attract women more easily, but they end up being potentially terrible in bed. They pound their way to orgasm and roll over. I’ve realized that even stunningly handsome alpha men never progress sexually because nobody has ever told them they’re bad in bed. And if they did, they wrote the feedback off as bitchy or crazy. It’s a shame. (and obviously that’s a drastically general statement – but continues to prove truth).
But Nice Guy Doms aren’t born, they are made. Because of the preoccupation with dominants being jerks and potentially abusive, many Nice Guys don’t know their potential. Give them permission to explore that side of their sexuality, and they will!
Tell them what you want
He’ll give it to you. But a nice guy is hyper-sensitive to hurting your feelings or being perceived as an aggressor. Build a relationship that gives them the emotional and physical space to ease into being more dominant. Dominant and aggressive don’t have to be the same thing. Although if that’s where you want to take it – go for it!
Respect each other outside the bedroom
Building a base of complete trust and respect will let the sex take on a life of it’s own. The stronger the foundation of mutual respect – the more you can stray from the standard and bland and explore some freaky and intensely sensual experiences. As a women (and as a dude) you have to have the emotional intelligence outside the bedroom to respect and hold space for your partner. A needy or tentative partnership will fall apart in the bedroom. A trusting relationship will create a huge stage for sexual exploration. So get your emotional shit together.
Don’t ask him to be anything he isn’t comfortable with
We often talk about sexual contracts in terms of what the sub is willing to let the Dom do TO them. But defining this sexual contract with a Nice Guy is a bit different. There may be a dozen things on the list of sexual acts that they aren’t comfortable with DOING. And that’s awesome. They are entitled to say “that doesn’t feel like me”. You want things to feel as genuine and authentic as possible.
Empower your partner to express their own sexual desires
Just because you enjoy a sub/Dom relationship with an awesome Nice Guy, doesn’t mean that you need to do that all the time. Switch it up. Listen to their sexual desires whether they fit into your sexual needs or not. As a partnership, it’s not always about you. Even when 70% of your sexual styles overlap – sometimes you need to do things that are just for your partner’s pleasure. And it will be fun!
Allow them to adore you
The most uncomfortable part of starting a relationship with a Nice Guy after a string of douchebags and alpha jerks is that they like you. It feels weird. They text you back and they compliment you. They adore you. And it feels weird at first. You have to get used to it. Too many women aren’t comfortable letting someone love them. We think love is something we have to fight for, and convince someone to be a part of. It’s not. Don’t pass up on an amazing sexual experience because your Nice Guy adores you. He can completely adore you and completely dominate you.
Acknowledge their compassion as powerful
We have made the biggest mistake as a society by assuming that compassion means weakness and douchebaggery as strength. It is far more powerful to be kind and thoughtful than to be a dick. That compassion translates to a masterfully dominant man in the bedroom.