How orgasming 3x / day for 30 days changed my
perspective on life, love and creativity.
this is by far the most personal thing I’ve ever written. and I’ve been stalling for a week on pushing the “publish” button. It makes me want to pee my pants a bit.
I’ve been unapologetically single for almost 8 months. But not single and lonely. I’ve surrounded myself with amazing men. Hot, gorgeous, masculine, heart throbs of men. It would have been easy for me to jump into another relationship, but something stopped me. I needed to take some time to heal from my last breakup which left me sexually empowered, but dangerously vulnerable.
My intuition told me to stop sleeping with people, but my craving for sexual awesomeness made me want to have some fun. Even if my raging libido wanted otherwise, I needed to choose deep connections over sex. In my early 20’s I’d learned a tough lesson about myself that I couldn’t ignore. When I sleep with someone before we’re ready to commit to each other, I become emotionally hung up and stay in the wrong relationships far too long. Practicing sexual intelligence and finding real love would mean not sleep with anyone right away.
It was an uncomfortable feeling, but I couldn’t let myself repeat a mistake that I knew I was making for all the wrong reasons. I knew there would be incredible freedom at the end of the process, but for christsake I am a sex writer.
I can’t stop having sex… right?
So I found myself between a rock and a hard spot. Quite literally.
Can I find sexual satisfaction, without getting into a relationship?
and can I have amazing intimate relationships with men without sleeping with them?
Yeah, I think I can.
I decided to have more fun on my own. I am no stranger to self pleasure and I’ve become pretty fucking good at it over the last few years. I know what I like and I know how to get it. This should be easy.
But what started as a good time exploring my sexuality eventually became an efficient means to an end and then less frequent sessions that were quick and (frankly) boooooring. Oh my god, boring is the enemy of all good sex. What had happened????
I had become lazy with my sexuality.
Around the same time I was also starting to teach accountability workshops, I was becoming more and more interested in militantly committing myself to daily habits, and I was launching my business as a full-time accountability coach.
Creating daily habits had made my business thrive, my body super healthy, my spiritual practice eye-opening and I felt like a creative powerhouse. I was seeing my life absolutely transform through consistent daily routines. So I couldn’t help wondering: “why can’t this daily habit stuff work for reinvigorating my sex life. My self-sex life at least.”
I set out to make a daily habit of mind-blowing self pleasure. (Yes – it was exactly as much fun as it sounds.)
I took the same approach to this habit as any of my other routines. I set up rules and guidelines to know exactly what I was getting into and then started, ya know, doing it.
There are typically 3 phases to building great daily habits. (with 30 day programs I do 10 days of each)
3 Phases to Successful 30 Day Challenge
Choose something you do most of the time and commit to doing it every day. Focus on consistency, not how well you do something.
Start asking better questions to take your practice to the next level. Ask questions that start with “What if…” “How would it feel…” “I wonder what would happen…”
Push yourself to be the best at whatever you are doing. If you find something that works, perfect it. Woodshed the details until you can go harder, faster, longer… ermmm… you get the picture.
But I didn’t just want to create consistency with my sexuality, I wanted to create a situation where I pushed the limits of my sensuality. I didn’t just want to masturbate, I wanted to get creative about it. So I set up rules and a process to support that creativity.
Defining your purpose, goal and rules makes it easy to stick with any habit. For me I needed to really get to the heart of my sexual laziness.
Long term Purpose: To live a wild and flourishing life where I am magnetic with creativity and sensuality.
Short term Goal: To reconnect my physical, emotional and sexual bodies by orgasming more often and in more interesting ways.
Rules: Orgasm 3x per day for 30 days. Each time has to be different (place, position, stimulus).
THE FIRST 10 DAYS
As much as I wanted to jump to the end of the 30 days where I was getting wild and crazy, I knew that creating the depth and longevity to a mind-blowing sexual practice meant starting with consistency. I set my daily reminder alarm and rearranged my bedroom so it was comfortable and super sensual.
CREATING A GREAT SPACE
Space has more to do with sexuality than anything else. For me, a bedroom that is messy and chaotic will instantly kill the mood. It triggers my obsession to clean. My minimalist bed which sits on the floor in a white room is covered in luxurious fabrics. It’s sort of amazing. To really step up the sexiness, I took out the harsh overhead light and brought in some gorgeous vintage lamps I had been given. I threw yellow and purple silk scarves over the lamps and immediately the rooms was incredibly mellow.
I stored all pairs of ugly sweatpants and gym shorts in a box in the basement and I took all of my silk robes and most comfortable lingerie to the dry cleaner, then I hung them all on the back of my bedroom door. I bought new high-thread count sheets and new pillows (nothing says unsexy like drool-stained pillows)
I realized in the first few days that I was blaming my sexual laziness on being too busy, and not having enough time. Like most things that are important to us but we procrastinate actually doing, I realized that when I prioritize my time and get sexy first thing in the morning it actually doesn’t take that long. And unexpectedly, it made my ability to focus laser sharp for the entire day. I had no idea how productive being multi-orgasmic would be. It was a nice bonus!
There were a few days at the very beginning where I resisted the process and instead of letting my mind wander to places that turned me on, I fell in to a mind trap of anxiety and a running to-do list. But being committed, I reluctantly gave myself the 1.2.3. boring orgasms just to get it over with. (you know you’ve been there) I started to recognize an interesting pattern. My ability to fantasize was squelched every time I reached for my phone first thing in the morning. If I checked my email or facebook before my multi-orgasmic fun, anxiety flooded my brain and my sensuality, creativity and focus were ruined.
I did it every day. 3 times. I was starting to feel a shift in my mornings. I didn’t have to focus or try very hard. Orgasms were starting to happen naturally. My body woke up and craved it. It was like I had unclogged a drain in my energy and now things were flowing easily. It felt nice, not weird or hardcore or pornographic. It was just… nice.
THE HALFWAY POINT
Days 10-20 were the most difficult and the most life-changing. I don’t say (write) those words without really considering their power. Literally, life. changing. A lot of the assumptions I had about romance, creativity and love were completely shattered and then rebuilt.
By week 2, my habit had become more or less instinctual. I didn’t have to set a calendar alert and when I woke up in the morning, sex was the first thing on my mind. (not a huge change there) Now that sexytime had become a natural part of my day, I got to really start having some fun. Anyone who has taken my creativity classes knows that creativity starts with curiosity. So I started asking myself the same questions that I ask myself when I get in a writing funk.
What if… (I moved this shindig into the living room? kitchen? my car???)
How would it feel… (to try a new toy that I’ve always been intimidated by?)
What would happen if… (I combined these two weird turn-ons. Would it be too much?)
When you start asking creative questions, you give yourself permission to try new things without the risk of embarrassment.
Do things in the name of “well at least now I know never to do that again.”
I bought a few new toys that I’ve always shied away from. I watched new genres of porn, just for the hell of it (and ended up laughing too hard to really do the job). I started making out with people outside of my “type”. I stopped googling new positions and started making up my own. Some of these things I’ve worked into my steady rotation of turn-ons, and the others I’ve tried a few times and said “no thanks, I’m good.”
The process of exploring without judgement is kind of amazing and you should all try it.
Not only did my sex get more creative, my creativity got waaay sexier. When I really hit my stride with great sexual experiences every day, I became massively creative. My creative flow was undeniably linked to my sexual flow. The more crazy and explorative I got with my sex life, the more creative ideas I had.
Obviously, when I realized this, things escalated quickly. I was using sex to drive my creativity and my creativity drove my sexual exploration. This hasn’t stopped – it only gets better with time. If you want to bust through writer’s block, or start a new side project, or re-infuse your career, consider having crazier sex or explore wildly erotic self-pleasure. Just see what happens – and let me know (of course).
THE WORK/SEX CONNECTION
Work and sex can seem to fill opposite places in our life. They actually rarely overlap (unless you’re in a Mad Men episode or are into that sort of thing). We work during the day and then sex happens when the lights go out. But the connection between the two became super strong during the second week of my challenge.
The difference between a job and a career is passion.
The difference between an orgasm and a sexual experience is passion.
Unexpectedly, the more I created amazing sexual experiences, the stronger my passion and intuition became. I became super tuned in to my desires. Not just my sexual desires, but what I wanted from life and from my career.
Decision making became incredibly easy. I could feel and hear the answer to the big mysterious questions in my life without having to sit down and do a cost/analysis spreadsheet. I knew which opportunities to jump on, because I felt turned on when I talked about them. I started to see clearly why the decisions I had made about my business were falling flat; because I was going against my intuition and trying to find the quick path to success and dollar bills.
The decisions I made based on what my purpose and my passions; these were the decisions that were creating unexpected opportunities. They were putting me in the right place at the right time and I was connecting with people on an incredibly intimate level that I never could have if I was leading my company with my brain.
I was thriving off of my intuition and every time I was orgasming – I was strengthening that intuition. Being multi-orgasmic has made me massively prolific and borderline successful. Isn’t that weird?
That all sounds amazing, right? More creativity, more clarity, more focus at work. But it was totally scary too. I resisted going deeper into my own sexuality because I was nervous it would disrupt my whole life. Even as an adventurous entrepreneur; change is fucking scary sometimes. And all of a sudden, everything in my life was shifting super fast. I had to decide whether to resist and fight against it, or let it happen and take advantage of the flow.
I tried to focus on change as a good thing, but there were 2 days that I just couldn’t do it; I didn’t know if I could handle any more surprises. I was craving stability and broke down in tears. I was having fun, but I was sort of a disaster too.
I got back into the habit. I didn’t let a little fear and a boohoo session keep me from following my purpose and completing my goal. There is no bigger success than bouncing back from a failure.
THE LAST FEW DAYS
After exploring all the weird nooks and crannies of my sexuality I had settled on a few new turn-ons that I really wanted to explore in more depth. …literally… (uncontrolled giggling)
I am wildly feminine, but ironically, in relationships I have always been the pragmatic and reasonable one. I am the master of self control and easily avoid being too emotional. I’ve always been proud of my ability to do that. As I started to dig into my soul-stuff through self pleasure I realized how opposing that masculine approach to relationships was to my true self.
Looking back into my past I could see that every time I let my wild femininity lead in relationships, I had been deeply hurt. Not just with romance, but as a child, and with my family. I used my masculine, pragmatic, rational self as a defense mechanism; a wall I put up to keep love out. So I explored this.
I found myself attracted to men who wore their masculinity on their sleeves in bright neon blinking lights. Kind men, but dominant… MMMmmmmm… That’s exactly what I needed.
I was nervous to invite a man into the amazing sexual experience I had created, but I needed to figure out what was going on with this balance of feminine/masculine yin/yan.
It was worth it. Being with him allowed me to recalibrate my femininity. At first, I fought back and tried to push my way into a more controlling role. He would gently put me back in my place and keep me there. When I really learned to let go and relax and enjoy the feeling of having no responsibility but all the power in the world, I tapped into something that I’ve never felt before.
I felt completely fulfilled and satisfied not just sexually, but as a whole being. The more I surrendered into that energy and let go of trying to micromanage our sexual relationship, the more my inner fears and insecurities loosened their grip on my life, and melted away easily. I was really happy with who I had become.
The mantra I live by in relationships is:
I am not looking for another half; I am a whole, looking for another whole.
I am finally actually living that mantra.
I’ve always loooooved morning sex. But I think I liked it for all the wrong reasons. Mornings are inherently sensual. You’re ready to go, I’m ready to go… there’s very little prep needed.
Slow sex has always seemed inefficient. Who has time for that??
Well, I started making time for it. We’ve all had slow sex, but usually only once in a while during the first few weeks of a relationship. You cozy in for a day, you fool around, you get up and have breakfast, you fool around some more, you read a book, you fool around, you order takeout from Otto’s… it’s amazing.
It’s usually Sunday afternoon sex – but I started doing this every day of the week. Sometimes with a partner, but mostly, just with myself. I stopped watching Netflix and started making love for hours at a time. If I can recommend any one practice, you should do this. A lot.
It makes you see beyond the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am instant gratification of physical sex and you start to notice the nuances of sex. The rhythm of your partnership, the energy that ebbs and flows between you, the differences between types of orgasms, the slow escalation of your sensitivity over hours of being turned on. It’s wild and super cool and it’s easy to let go of judgement (self-judgement) and anxiety, because you feel those emotions and then let them pass.
More than anything else, it made me feel incredibly present. When you are in that state of arousal for hours at a time, you stop worrying, you stop freaking out and relax into the moment. You naturally become present and aware, and more importantly, you learn how to STAY aware in the moment.
Meditation has always been my tool for connecting to that mindfulness and overcoming anxiety. When I started pairing meditation with slow sex, I found a spirituality that I never knew existed. It sounds hippie-dippie, but I can stay present and relaxed for a really long time. I easily connect to other humans and to The Universe in a way I have only ever read about in Taoist and Zen books.
I’ve always been a spiritual person, but I was looking for it in the wrong places. Sex is my church.
Fantasies of quickies in the back of cars and in back rooms of art galleries have always been a part of my rotation. But I’ve rarely acted on them. Obviously, if not now, then when, really? So I started looking for situations where this would be more likely.
The biggest part of a successful quickie is putting yourself in as many situations as possible, and waiting for the right time and the right place. Having no expectations and a sense of humor helps. I’ve been waiting around for years to be in a strong partnership to explore these sorts of fantasies, but my new surge of obnoxious inhibition and complete disregard for the traditional sexual experiences allowed me to stop over-thinking sex and take back my fantasies for myself.
Whether I was with a date, a complete stranger or just myself; I started taking advantage of these fun quickie moments and have had some of the best make-outs, and most hilariously epic sex fails ever. Seriously. epic fails.
What I truly learned from having more quickies: not having a partner is a terrible excuse for not explore sex. Actually, don’t wait for a partner to travel, or go on vacation, or go out for a nice dinner either. Do it on your own or with someone completely random… because whatever.
The culmination of everything that I learned in that 30 days (and the next 90 days after I technically finished the challenge but kept it up) I started to understand and organize into a book about sexual intelligence. I learned that there is a huge difference between being “good in bed” and sexual intelligence.
It’s not just having moves, it’s about being an amazing human who happens to have consistently mind blowing sex. Sexual intelligence describe a person’s awareness, ability to control and express intimate and sexual needs and handle sexual relationships with thoughtfulness, curiosity and empathy.
I’ve been organizing this info as I’ve experienced things in my own life. And with each unfamiliar situation I encountered, I’ve researched what the experts (psychologists, sexologists, doctors) have to say about it. Here’s what I discovered:
The 10 ways to raise your Sexual IQ and discover a deeper level of passion:
- Define what do you really want… no really.
- Choose your information sources wisely
- Communicate concisely
- Ask weird questions
- Exchange sexual feedback that turns people on
- Sex is a practice
- Invest in your body
- Embrace the awkward
- Be great at receiving
- Choose partners wisely
MY AHA MOMENT
Like most aha moments, it didn’t happen when I expected it to. I didn’t wake up on the 30th day of my challenge with a new perspective on life. I think I woke up on that day with a head cold and a bad attitude. It wasn’t until recently, a few months later, when I really started to understand the shift I experienced in my day-to-day life was a result of making sensuality the focus of my day. Sex has made me a better person.
I’ve learned to:
Chill the f out
In surrendering to my more feminine needs, I’ve let go of my need to do more stuff and work harder and faster and longer.
Be awesomely present
When I prioritize my sensuality and slowing the f down, I find it easier to stay present and hyper aware in the moment. When I do, I am magnetic and awesome.
Surround myself with amazing people
My intuition is clearly telling me that the value of personal relationships is far more valuable than money or clout. I need to set up my career with these new priorities.
Creativity is a surprising bi-product of being present in the moment and being constantly turned on. When you have no shame or fear – you can create the strangest and most profound art.
I am completely self-sufficient in life and love, but I crave an amazing partner. Love is rarely convenient, so I need to unapologetically follow love, even when it doesn’t make sense for my wallet or schedule.
I am a whole looking for another whole
This mantra rings truer than ever. So bring on the next phase of life and good luck to the phenomenal men who cross my path.