I’m not jealous. I’m just feeling really… ya know… bummed”
I’ve said this sentence (or some variation on the theme) a dozen times over the past few years. Hell, I wasn’t going to admit that I was feeling jealous. I had “unlearned jealousy” in 2006 when I started my first open relationship and read “The Ethical Slut”. I was too sexually intelligent to feel jealous. Right!?
But when my monogamous boyfriend started talking about how much he loved his ex – I felt overwhelmed with jealousy. But I never said the word.
Instead I let it fester. And over the years that we spent together I let it burn a hole in my self-love that left a permanent scar. I felt like I wasn’t enough. And I have seen the same thing happen with all of my clients. That’s the damage that unprocessed jealousy causes.
But I clumsily found an alternative. When I started this blog a few years ago – I opened up and put my flaws and emotions out to the world. Surprisingly, it made them easier to process. And this super-powerful thing happened, by the time I was done acknowledged my feelings, I let them go.”
Talking to my current partners sounds more like this now:
ME: That situation made me super-jealous and I’m feeling really insecure.
HIM: That’s crazy. I obviously care about you.
ME: I know. OK- I’m over it. Just a temporary lapse of sexual intelligence.
Jealousy isn’t something you fix and forget about, like somehow it’s never an issue again. You have to learn how to move it through your body.
I have a particular jealousy meditation that I made up a few years ago. Only while writing this article did I realize that this exercise laid the groundwork for the mantra that drives my coaching business “Get out of your head and into your body.”
Your mind will drive you nutso if you let it. The drama and jealousy of a situation become a tape that runs on repeat and doesn’t let you move on. That sucks.
But by releasing the pressure cooker of jealousy, and getting it out into your body, it can actually be a good thing. Because behind the drama of jealousy is this intense passion. Use that shit! Separate out the drama from the passion and it becomes this frenetic motivation that helps you get shit done.
I will formalizing this meditation and send it out because it is so powerful.
Feel the jealousy in your head (where it spins around when you over-think things) Move that intense feeling down to your throat to the heart-center and let yourself feel the stress from your head transform into sadness or hurt, then move it through to your hips where you can feel the intensity of self-doubt and loneliness, then allow it to move down your legs and to the soles of your feet where it soaks into the ground. At that point – it’s not your problem anymore. Let it go.
When I feel pangs of jealousy come up – I can say those exact words. “I already let this go. I don’t have time to deal with jealousy right now. I’ve got other shit to do.”
But I will take the passion. The alertness and intensity of jealousy is like a jolt of caffeine. When I do this quick meditation you let that passion/jealousy touch every part of your physical body and it lights you up. It cleans out the cobwebs in your body and it feels fucking awesome. Let go of the jealousy but keep the afterglow of the energetic kick-in-the-ass.
The key to this whole thing – get it out of your head and into your body. Let it melt into the ground until it’s someone else’s problem. And just to really show-off your sexual intelligent and mature aweseomeness; take the passion and intensity that jealousy made you feel and redirect it towards something positive.
You saw your ex out at a bar and he looked smokin-hot. Don’t feel bad, let go of the jealousy and hit the gym. You randomly felt jealous of a hot woman in a coffee shop. Let go of the jealousy and use her as the inspiration for a story you’re writing. Redirect the emotion from jealousy into creativity.
They feel very similar. And you get to decide how you process your own emotions.
Whenever I talk about this it reminds me of the old cherokee tale about TWO WOLVES:A young boy came to his Grandfather, filled with anger at
another boy who had done him an injustice.
The old Grandfather said to his grandson, “Let me tell you a
story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that
have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate
wears you down, and hate does not hurt your enemy. Hate is
like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have
struggled with these feelings many times.”
“It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one wolf is good and
does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does
not take offence when no offence was intended. He will only
fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But the
other wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a
fit of temper.”
“He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot
think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless
anger, because his anger will change nothing. Sometimes it is
hard to live with these two wolves inside me, because both of
the wolves try to dominate my spirit.”
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked,
“Which wolf will win, Grandfather?”
The Grandfather smiled and said, “The one I feed.”
Boom. What he said.