Foreplay is considered absolutely crucial to a good sexual experience. Especially for a couple going at it the first few times, the chance to explore each other’s likes and sexual buttons can be really amazing. This article is NOT about foreplay.

You thought it was. Didn’t you???

There are 4 parts to a sexual experience. 

  1. Foreplay
  2. Arousal
  3. Orgasm
  4. Release

We as a society are so focused on the physical pleasures of sexuality that we often forget about what makes sex so mindblowing. The connectedness and raw intimacy that the moment of orgasm brings us to.

Release is that 10 minutes after you fuck each other’s brains out where you feel completely blissed out.

Lovingly understated; it’s Pillow Talk.

The first 3 parts of a sexual experience are primarily physical. Focusing on pillow talk allows you to reach a new level of romantic sexuality that includes all the ways in which partners experience each other. The many dimensions of spiritual connection, emotional bonding, intellectual fusion, and physical affection should be in full throttle for a sexual experience to be its best.

This can be harder than it sounds. The physical intensity that we feel before and during sex often override the romantic and intellectual. Exhaustion takes priority over conversation. And a person who pressures a partner to “talk” and “open up” after sex is commonly considered needy or clingy.

The moments after orgasm can hardly be put into words. But hell, I’ll try. Absolute bliss, bewilderment, satiation and an undescribable openness. Despite how sweaty and smelly and are – your partner looks absolutely beautiful to you. Everything is awesome.

This is a defined chemical reaction in your brain. Your body reacts to orgasm with a flood of oxytocin and you have about 10 minutes of no stress and no fear. You feel like you can do anything because your body’s natural ability to assess risk is essentially shut down. This happens for a reason.

It’s during these moments of having your guard down that you can grow in a relationship and build a wildly intimate partnership. Of course no yin would be complete without a yan, it is also a moment where you could plant the seed of fear and rejection.

In order to understand the importance of pillow talk, you have to look at it as a moment where your relationship comes full circle. That sexual experience started when you caught your partners eye, you started to flirt and the hilariously primitive game of mating began. Flirting is all about the push-and-pull between 2 people. We drop a slight compliment and wait with body throbbing anticipation for it to be picked up and returned before offering another breadcrumb leading to the bedroom. We give only as much as we can handle being rejected. This conflict between the possibility of getting laid and carefulness to avoid rejection is the magic of sexual tension.

Those moments of release after a great bedroom tumble are where our questions of anticipation and rejection are answered. Subconsciously when a guy is through and he rolls over and falls asleep, it can leave a deep seeded feeling of rejection that is hard to shake. Even if both partners orgasm and your man is madly in love with you, the absence of that connection after sex can be powerful.

The reason I point out men and woman in these roles of rejector/rejectee is not my blind bias or man-hating. It’s science people. The way oxytocin reacts to estrogen, is far more exaggerated than its reaction to testosterone. Woman simply crave pillow talk more than men.

 

And I’m not suggesting that every sexual experience has to end with 45 minutes of cuddling and talking about your feelings. But here are some reasons to consider these 10 minutes the best part of a romp.

For 1 Night Stands

The moment the sexual cycle comes full circle, is the moment it starts again. Unless you’ve got somewhere to be, consider talking for a few minutes or sharing a shower together. Pillow Talk and Flirtation are indistinguishable. Flirting is stage one of the cycle and you’re 1/4 on your way to another amazing sexual experience.

For Long Term Relationships

Even for couples who think they’ve got it down and don’t need to go through the rigmarole of foreplay or Pillow Talk (yes, I had to look up rigmarole and it’s my new favorite word) this is the best 10 minute spent to keep a relationship on track. We are constantly changing and evolving and this is a great time to get to know your partner as a new person, not based on what they did that day, but how they are feeling and what makes them interesting. A renewed interest and deeper trust means better sex.

If You Aren’t Sure What You Are

This is a great time to figure out if you’re a good match. This moment of openness and truth is refreshing and you can get a straight answer on some of the emotion questions you’re likely grappling with in that weirdo in-between stages of romance. That sense of trust after your questions have been put to ease means deeper, more intimate and all around better sex.

So a quick recap: a great or mindblowing sexual relationship isn’t just physical; it is mental, emotional and intellectual. And you can have all of these things in or outside of a defined relationship. Building an emotional connection doesn’t have to confine you to a a label (boyfriend/girlfriend/married/partners). Although, if that’s what you want – consider these 10 minutes, a necessity.